Problem

Ever' day my mom acts like there's something wrong with me a lot and my dad, too, of course.

Liars

I found out it's all just a big game to tease me with past attention.

It's also a lie that someone is cool with me.  They brought attenteion to others over me and stopped liking me.  They are hurting others who are nice.

Well, then

I will talk about it.  Generally.

Relationships

If someone doesn't wanna have any relationship to me is fine.  I just don't like that it's for such a reason to have a bad one.

Problems

I just found my dad picked a name for a website that made it sound like I'd need to pee if I talked about personalty, which I learned young.  It could mean  a compliment, but I don't believe it.  He had a certain negative air about himself.  I was probably like 15 or 16.  He made another name after a "mistake" in my life, too.

Upset/Unaccepting/Not Understanding

I don't accept others who make others not have a relationship or have a bad one on point of little things that go wrong when people attack me with their attitude.

Stuff

I guess I was complaining, tho.  I can try to refine this.

Might go back to bed or eat 1st.

Tired Still

Been Sleeping

Sore

Nappy Bye

Misinterpretation

I didn't say I wanted to lash out at anyone specifically.

IMDb - The Soapbox

Re: I fell asleep at 9 :30 due to Fatigue

Yea, I've been up late watching TV/jogging.. wonder if I should reverse that. Want a nap now. Today I have 2 Ellen shows to watch. I also am watching Phil. It's not working out so great, but I like them. It's like I should stop watching just to watch, like 2 is a lot. An hour each show. Adds up. 

Vaguely in Trouble

All of a sudden people get mad, and it's like what I didn't do anything.  People can literally get on their high horse.

Dad

Don't like how he thinks what I do affects who he is seen as.

Trick

You think all the compensations mean something good to ice the devil's cake.

Cheap

If you have to think I'm bad to have a successful relationship.  That's just all made up!  Little things do happen, but they were not bad things.

You think there's compensation in this "project" or game.  You can't just be happy to meet me.  What's so good about that?

cont.

Duh---

Why do you keep pretending I'm talking to specific people?

Really?

What did people say about me that makes you rightfully dislike me?

Apology?

Do you need one?

I was upset about myself last night.  I'm tired, wonder what I should do.

Problem

I don't have the full online experience with these people watching me, controlling when they want the page to load or the internet connectivity to change.

Bed

I may go back to it.  I have 1 show to catch up on (Ellen, yesterday.)

I did m********* last night but don't do it heavily.  If I do it less, seems I have less problems, at least not all bad like if I did it more.

Problems

I want privacy from my dad, but it seems people I like who are famous have secretly met him.

I've learned to ignore the signs.  The people watching me privately in my room have been at me this morning.  I know I don't hafta listen.  I am legal and appropriate and good and nice.  I'm not gonna be charged as some random criminal.  What about all the other people in the world?  Would that work out?  No..  Kids'd get sick in the cells.  Dogs would die.

About me saying pleasure, yesterday, it may cost me heavily.  I did not mean to point anyone out.  I just wanted to offer my feelings on the matter.  We need to top thinking certain words illude such horrid meanings.

I did find out things that were being done by other/s freely, like I don't matter completely even to myself.

Nite Soon

The Daily Battles

Every day is a battle..

..Not for you.

Losing Focus in School

No parent has a right to make their kid feel so uncomfortable thinking they will feel that way anyway that their concentration in school drops, ability to memorize and learn.  No matter what they did.  They blame the parents.

Word Fantasy

Does it bother you that I used the word pleasure?  You seem to want to strip me of it.

Racial Sinning

You know, I never grew up with racism.  People think it is the cause of my own sin.

I'm wrong

You all take such pleasure in saying I'm wrong.  Like oh I'm bad.  WHY?

I do not matter anymore.

I got the message from someone supposedly replacing "all I was" that I just don't matter, my life will never matter anymore.

A Miserable Life

I found out the dirty little secret.  Is it indeed my dad who made my life miserable?  I could not concentrate in school.  Is that why people are scared to be good to me?

IMDb - The Soapbox

Problems - Analyzing Sensible Snap Reactions

Sometimes, I don't mean what I think exactly. Everyone is making a living watching my reaction and wishing bad things on me, possibly.. Is it okay if I say that now? I post about things like this. I mean, I may be mistaken, but I'm probably not. How will things turn out okay in such a way as this?

Some things just come out, and I don't mean them. I don't really feel I'm in the moment. So, I don't know why what I mean doesn't bowl over right. I don't like being put in critical instances with people like my dad and mom who know me enough to not care. I'm not saying I can't do it. It's just not the thing to do. 

"A Quicker Fixer Up-er"

I notice you only manage to dwell on things that involve me and only say it's wrong so you seem better and don't really care about how anyone would manage to concentrate and fix something like that, whatever it may be to you.

Does that..

Does that come with a creed?

Cuza Race

Why should I listen to anyone tell me what I say doesn't matter cuza my race?

What a Big One

Think of you all impatient monsters and machines who won't let younger people experience a nice life all because of how much older you are.

And race.. why tell me I am this I am that I think what I don't think I should think something else?  Shouldn't you be nice and help people achieve their dreams?

Problem

Someone has undue pleasure against me if little things cost me big ones.

No Problemo..

I do not have the problem.  You all just don't wanna be my friend.

To Whom I Speak

to those who approve of these problems!

Watcha Doing?

Do you even know what you are doing?  No one is perfect.  It is uncivilized to listen to what other people say someone said.  It was rather oncoming.  I was being pushed around.  I still am.  I feel I am being planted back in with just my parents.

I feel as though I am being taunted for fun, like I'm bad cuza Dad.

Turning on Me

The lot of you have turned on me for no reason.  I better go find me someone to talk to.  My therapist seems disgusted in me, like someone is telling her to do that.  I guess she is trying to help, tho.

Hm, I don't remember exactly the reason that coupled with why I posted this.

So, why are you all pushing me with weird thoughts and then spending the rest of a long time wondering about it?

Dr. Phil

I agree heavily with the mom and dad, the mom saying why would we be on the sho' if you wanna stay together?  She just wants help and to get that guy to stop it.  We erased the idea that it's the parents that are causing the problem.  I think he won't change and they need a divorce.  We just can't solve some things.

Dad

He keeps changing who he is.  Sometimes he's just the devil in my life.  Others, he's just a guy tryin' to make it.  Why does everyone hate me?

Dysfunctionality

Why are people so onto what I do when I don't know the made up rules and when I'm put on the spot but manage to change my demeanor, anyway, somehow?

My dad is ruining my life.  No one can ask him what to do to me..!

Shower/Bathtime

then TV!!

Contacted Again

I got recontacted.  I submitted again!

Invite to Appear on Dr. Phil

as the interviewed person!  I just submitted my application.

Being Nifty With Relationships

I like my parents in the way I have, but I like other people, too.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

We like getting close to adults other than our parents.

Well, I was always well-behaved. My dad is a monster.

Tired

I feel cold and weak but technically stronger yet more and more tired.  I woke up in the middle of sleeping.

"Why all the hate?.."

Why hate on the less fortunate in some ways?

Well-Behaved Daughter

I am well-behaved to my dad, but don't push me to be too much closer emotionally but just to make him take the place of friends.  Same with anyone.

I found this odd.

So, you want me to get up to each day thinking whatever spurts from others is something someone said to me that's messed up?

I don't think I tried to get very mad, but I tossed/juggled the thought and tried to get it out of my mind.  I thought that was the original go' (goal.)

Some Fantasy/World

You all are creating some fantasy world that I'm bad.

Muscle Mass..

I gained muscle mass from the gym and jogging with weights.  I am 156 pounds.  My purpose in the gym is not to get tiny and frail but STRONG.

What I Think vs. What I "Feel"

I didn't do anything wrong.  I feel as though I have.

Know what, know what, huh, huh??

Know what I'm not gonna do?  I'm not gonna change how I think when I blog in private cuz someone made someone interact with me secretly all the time.

Not gonna be like ooh I must be all neat because so and so says so.  I blog on my own.

Explanations

No, I'm not gonna sit here and let what I say fly like if I say something else it will ruin it.

I can't even say I don't mean what you think.  What'd I do?  I just didn't say yes to something that wasn't true or wasn't nice.  I don't think I barely done anything.  Sparks fly.

Issue

I'm tired of people telling me all of a sudden look what a bad girl I am.  School is my prerogative if I failed, and I had a reason.

Like they say look how bad Christina is all of a sudden, never heard of that before!  Look how tacky she is to experience emotions for others.  You all are so wrapped up in yourselves you have no prerogative all the while hardly tapping on discussing emotions!

I know it's wrong.

They keep acting offended.  Why isn't my life made up of other things/secluding things like this?  Like before.  Why are all these other people so famous and think they're better than me?

I never did anything.

They started the fighting back and forth.

Upset

It just comes out, without doing anything, I swear.

I'm tired of people hating on me for my dad or someone else.

Sore Arms

jogging with weights, 2 pounds for about an hour

A ... wake!

I woke up @ 11:40.

I ate my breakfast:
2 medium-rare bacon strips
a bowl of grits with butter
2 English muffin halves with butter
3 scrambled eggs

I cooked supper in about 1 hour and 20 minutes and still heating and need to do the noodles.  It's beef chopped up with bacon, mushrooms, flour, red wine.. and fettucini.  From some health book.  I increased everything other than the beef.

Nite Soon

Sad teens are so withdrawn in public.

I just had soup and crackers.  (potatos/chicken canned + Trisciuts)

New Recording of Me Singing

Ellen

Jennifer Anniston was so hot!  Her skin was radiant!  It was like red and tan.  She is such a sweet person.  I like her a lot.

The 3rd grade teacher was so adamant and nice!  I admired her greatly.

The Japanese guitarist and singer was so awesome and looked pretty white.  Japanese and Koreans want to be seen as Caucasian, and they are essentially yet something like Irish.

Ellen was cool today.  She seemed cool with the audience.

Dr. Phil's sho'

I am fortunate to be able to write these summaries in my off musings.

I found this girl to be adamant but seemed to feel a bit empty, like an emptiness one get in one's eyes who yearn for emotion and a world of being popular and accepted by one and by all.

More.. It makes me think of myself.  It makes me think of a lotta things that would take 'while to load.  Er whatever.  Load!  Ha ha!  I think people think we all need guidance from a psychologist.  I don't know what I think about the meds.

His book sounds sweet.  I'd like to buy it.  I could get it on my Nook.  Wait, it's not there.  I didn't see it at B&N.

I feel I don't deserve much, like enjoying these shows.  They are so good and available.  Why don't people come to me?  I'm like always online or out getting in shape!  People need to learn to trust more people.  They need to remember to enjoy life.  To not think badly when they can.

You know, when I was in community college, I could not stand the way people were acting towards me sometimes but like they weren't doing it.  I ran out when the teacher started and told people.  She told me to stay.  Once, I got so mad I kicked 2 boys's chairs, tho it seemed like natural.  Not proud of this.  I used to get snotty in public..  I guess I can't say I blame the teacher's and students's having an attitude and bothering me in how they act.  Sometimes, they are real sweet.  Now, I'm on meds which cripple my freedom, along with a curfew.  My mom decided I take meds or else I get kicked out when I tried to leave and she said I wasn't ready, almost got a job in Miami I think as a secretary.  I said we don't have money.  They think I will be dangerous and just want me subdued, like under a tranquilizer.

I feel bad now about how I used to curse about whoever put noises in my room.. they did bother me.

I feel that I was loved too much.  People think I am sheltered.  Others are spoiled brats.  There's 2 ways, apparently.  I mean, my dad even believes he gave me the good parts of my voice.  I wonder.  People in the end may sputter I never did anything.  It would be nice if others got this gift.

I don't know.  On this sho', I think I said as much as I need to say..

TV

Well, it's now or never.  I've been listening to my singing.  Oh my, already after 11.. and I have at least 2 shows to try to indulge in right.  We'll see how it goes today.  We are so fortunate for all this now.

You can forget about it..

..I'm not bothered by what was said.

Apology + Problems

I'm sorry if what I wrote was a bother if you know what triggered the ideas for things in general.

Also, it seems people are freely abusing me emotionally like it's the right thing.  I haven't exactly been mean back.  I don't like how people identify me, what I really think and want.

Also, when Mariah Carey was on, I felt my nose go like hers and it's not a funny way to be.  I don't crush the particles in my nose just because I have Asian.  ':|  Too bad it was on Ellen.  It is an obsene thing to do..to me..is what I'm trying to say.  It's not of class.  I'm just elaborating on a statement.  My nose really is damaged partly.  They just made a loud noise that seems to have affected -my- possible future babies.  Grow up!  Get a life!  I don't need'r (need your) tests..  Tell me why?  I have a right to talk about my damaged nose.

They just made my internet stop, so I have to restart my computer.  They are throwing in more "baby" games.

Steak

We had steak, today, and my parents had 1/2 of a shared 1 and I had 1.  I also had 2 of the cut potatos and some cook'd onions.  I jogged/walked with my weights about an hour, my ankle, otherwise would be the full hour.  Weights 2 pounds.

A Reach

You must have really reached in there for it to come outta me like that.

Being There 1st and Last

Older and Younger people don't matter-  People just say they do more.

What?  People think they matter just because they were there 1st or are more special as the youngest.  Matter more.  Like we don't.

Fear

People are afraid to reward me when I am right.  What does that mean must happen?

I love my 2 pd. weights.

TV Schedule

Ellen + Phil

As long as I have spare time, try for Fallon, sometimes Myers

New Recordings of Me Singing

Racial Tensions

People are afraid to get close to me cuz my race my make them get made fun of.  What about me?

Plans

I guess I will call my old college tomorrow about the supposed financial holds and get into my PIN.  I might have to cook tomorrow, tho, so we'll see.  Maybe the next day.  I also have my ironing, who knows how tired that will make me on meds.

College

I'll have to see how the bus goes.  I might do Music Ed now but am not sure if I will be advised to add any General Studies.  Singing is pretty easy.  If I made it to Loyola, maybe next year, would have to follow online and not via TV, unless I could get to one.  I like the dorms.  Hard to afford an apartment and car.  The meds make me tired, and if I leave home I can get off them.

Not Used to a Daily Grind Here

I was kicked outta my major in college and told to take a long break kinda..

I am holding onto my ability to take in 2 hour long TV shows a day.  If I go to school, I wonder how this will work out.

I have heard all my life people live in front of TV, like what seemed like 1/2 the day.

Older Adult versus Younger Adult

ages 28/29+

Random People

Do you want that to happen?  Isn't it embarrassing?

Who.. I dunno, I guess I don't have any friends.

I wish I wish

to feel loved, for someone to pick me up/"hold me.."

Funny

Also, 2 females from San Francisco ruined some of the relatively most reputable cultures in the South.

So

Before the girl from LA moved to the nation's oldest continuing city in the US in NE FL, we were all just schoolkids learning life and learning..

POV

Does 1 need say the truth or say what's could be seen as wrong?

Being on Top

What's wrong with wanting to be on top?

Sin

I feel as though part of me has sinned, but it could lead to a pattern of inconveniences that lead to worse places, if possible.  I just needed a little hint.  I did tell my mom I said that.  She mailed it.  I had to apologize.  She's keeping more of my money from me, now.  I don't wanna be in limbo in the world/part of my extended family..

Sooner Than Later, Before Rather Than After

If someone "knows" something or wants something in how I live, they need to tell me of it sooner than later, before rather than after.

I wrote to my Gramma saying I thought she tried to kill my mom with cancer by making annoying noises on her plate.  My mom needs peace and quiet.  I told my dad I didn't even want her to come..!  I wanted to explain why I snapped at her or got upset.  I didn't shout.

They think since I brought it up to apologize it "means something."  They are digging in my past looking for things to justify a decision of pleasure against me in their older age.

Part of it was it was in a long letter on an expensive card.  There is not anything wrong.  It is a vague matter of preference to get settled.  It's probably wrong to think against it.  Yet, it can be easily fixed by not mentioning it and seeing if they want it mentioned therefore.  Just say something else vaguely but not it itself, in its place.

Shark With Long Tail

link

Health

Wanna sleep but restless.

Breakfast
-grits and butter
-2 lo cooked bacon
-2 halves of English muffin with butter
-3 scrambled eggs

gym - treadmill lite jogging for 30 min. - my dislocated ankle hurts - did some incline to 7% for a few minutes .. weight training

McDonald's - 2 big sanwiches (guacamole fried chicken + deluxe kind of burger w/baon,) small fries, McFlurry (M&M's)

supper later

Trying to Be Nice

Sometimes, when everyone's sitting around, an explanation is due about a lot of different things.  I feel no one talks to me, and I feel it is wrong.  I feel I am speaking out, but it's just a blog.  Sure, it's a way to communicate, and we should be careful of things like curse words.  We should all try to get along and find interesting things to think.  There's not much if you don't have a hobby and job.  I like travel, but I like learning about different places and don't always go there.  Sometimes, I try talking about some of the places I used to live, something to keep me occupied, as I liked exploring different kinds of cultures I was in.  As to the point of this blog (post,) I feel that if you say something obvious it's not really something new and there are more problems to solve possibly that could come up or maybe not if someone's really happy .. how will we know?  Maybe, cuz things aren't as good as we want.  Maybe, they should be seen as different, for a start.  And to appropriately say how compared in the right way to the right things/people.

Should I even be talking about these things?  I say that they should be taken care of if it involves me, rather than floating like a million particles above my head.  It seems everything I talk about is like this..

The History of My Extended Family

They do not know .. I forget.  Anyway, they ..  Oh yes.  They think you automatically go to your siblings and have a say in their children, when you have nothing to do with them.  You only do that to sincerely help out in any way possible.  Well, that's not exactly how I wanted it put, but I mean other families have the opposite way that I described.  I feel my extended family thinks they know all about me, when I'm just sitting on the internet for the past nearly 10 years and you have access to all I say there.  There isn't "some other world" going on "as we speak."  What do they "know all about" if I am just sitting here on the internet innocently posting away, healing so I can go back to community college via bus and therefore work is out of the question.

Facebook - Barbara Barrett

If that's true, then what would be the problem? ,:| People create fights to justify relationships and have fun, like no one's looking and no one matters, as long as it's legal and not illegal to them.
---
It is done to children who do not scream nor make a scene, too, and that is more important, tho becomes less important.
---
I drink coffee like a treat and not as the main entree of breakfast. Pills have side-effects that seem to make you tired when you wake up or in a way when you try to go to sleep.

Or

Being in trouble for things from the past all of a sudden, but nothing really bad, like maybe you got upset at someone who was being mean to you but didn't hurt them.

Normal Life

What do you think of going along and having a normal life, and all of a sudden you're in trouble when you've done nothing big?  Everyone tells you you have an attitude and messes with your thoughts.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

They need to be more established in their manners that rub off to how teens perceive their life is there.  My parents just test me, wait to make me mad so I throw something or stomp my foot .. and then call the police.  They do it on purpose to set me up.  I'm on medication now that I don't need for a disorder and depression, which I both don't have.  I 1st went taken by my family because I seemed to display questionable behavior, giving up losing my 4.0 and mainly staying in my room after choir at church for Christmas.  I was there for the New Year.  My dad brought pizza, and they left me there to take the psychotic medicine.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

Most people are mean, even nice people, for "reasons out of their control" like being stuck on a protocol. One common example is racism. Nice people practice it. Then, all the other things fall into their places, as well.

Problem

I woke up to being made fun of.  They said they'd plant noises in my possible future daughter's ears to stimulate her in inappropriate ways.

Underdog

People think I made someone an underdog who supposedly "took my place" in the honor I earned, just slipped right in, but my point is that they think I made her the underdog when she seems to think it's right to follow orders and make me one.  That's fine, but I'm just saying.  It seems a bit out of place, tho, disorderly and unfriendly.. I would not listen to whoever told you to be mean to me.